Friday, August 15, 2008

Reasons why Infertility Sucks 6: Putting your life on pause.

It's getting really obvious, now.

We have friends who are done having kids already. No more. And so they're moving on to the next phase of their lives, as parents.

They're buying the family homes, planning the family vacations. Getting the new careers that are family friendly. Buying the suitable family cars, getting the appropriately located family cottage.

And we're still stuck on pause. We can't move forward. With anything.

We can't remodel the spare room, because that room will be the nursery. But I can't turn it into a nursery yet either because hey - no baby. So it sits with its tired, leftover furniture, the closets filled with random odds and ends, because it as of yet has no purpose.

We can't book that dream vacation for next summer because who knows - we might be pregnant.

We still look for things to do Friday and Saturday nights, even though none of our friends are available anymore because they all have families.

We're stuck in this messed-up 30something limbo, wanting to badly to move forward to the next phase and just simply not being able to.

And it sucks.


Jendeis said...

You are so, so right. I waver back and forth on maybe we shouldn't do this or that because what if we're pregnant then... Wrote my whole comment, realized it didn't make sense, now I'm editing. For example, should we go away now because we won't be able to go on vacation next year because we're pregnant? But maybe we should save the money because what if we're pregnant. I come down on the side of planning and doing things, pregnancy (or the lack therof, in my life) notwithstanding. I'll just have to walk the hills of Ireland with a big belly.

Silver said...

We went through 10 or so years of that. Hang in there and try to enjoy some parts of your life that don't include IF.

Stace said...

I know that game too well. The limbo game where you don't know what to do because of what you're waiting for just MIGHT come. And it does suck. Hang in there and good luck.

Shinejil said...

That's why my policy is just don't pause. I simply refuse to entertain the what ifs (as much as possible-- it's a tough task) and try to do what I need to do to be happy.

Seriously. Remodel. Go on a trip. Change your career. Hike the Andes. Whatever will add some joy to your life. If you wind up pg and you've got plans, you'll figure it out.

The Broken Man said...

We ended up just not pausing - it's too heart-breaking. We just got on with things and hoped that if a baby did arrive it would be at a "convienint" time.

We eventually got there, and to be honest, the only thing my wife has missed out on was a work trip to a theme park.

The Broken Man

Anonymous said...

I always figured that with all the money we were spending on the IF treatments, the loss of a vacation downpayment would be just fine. In fact, if I booked a vacation, I hoped that would make it work this time. It didn't, but we took great vacations; I built a wonderful infertility wardrobe (after two years of not buying clothes because I was sure I'd be pregnant). Our dream arrived finally and I'm glad we finally took ourselves off pause. As we consider trying again, I'm not worrying about the once a year family vacation in August. If we're doing a cycle, we'll figure it out then.

Dr Aniruddha Malpani, MD said...

Most people have no clue what infertile couples go through.

The hunger and longing for a baby – and the frustration and pain of having to deal with failed IVF cycles is something which most infertile couples learn to deal with in the privacy of their bedrooms.

This is why many people end up saying stuff to infertile couples which is inaccurate and unhelpful – and they often add insult to injury by saying hurtful things, even when they don’t intend to cause pain ( for example, “ Just relax and you’ll get pregnant ! “ )

In order to bridge this gap between the fertile world and infertile couples, we have produced an animated cartoon film called, Making Babies – Everything you wanted to know but didn’t know whom to ask ! You can watch it free at

Feedback is welcome !


Dr Aniruddha Malpani, MD
Malpani Infertility Clinic, Jamuna Sagar, SBS Road, Colaba
Bombay 400 005. India
Tel: 91-22-22151065, 22151066, 2218 3270
FAX ( India) 91-22-22150223.

Helping you to build your family !

PS Watch our infertility cartoon film at

Read our book, How to Have a Baby - A Guide for the Infertile Couple,
online at !

Read my blog about improving the doctor-patient
relationship at

Maria said...

Are you still there?...I miss your posts. Hope all is well.

Mike Hussey said...

Doctors don't know what causes infertility in about half the cases in men, but think many men's infertility problems may be rooted in their genes.